Mr. Poppinfresh's Red Alert 2 Review
posted at 9:11 AM on Monday, December 4th, 2000
Introduction
| Publisher |
| Westwood Studios |
| |
| System Requirements: |
PII 266
350MB HD Space
64 MB Ram
2 MB video RAM
No hardware acceleration required. |
| |
| Reviewed Using: |
PIII 500
128 MB RAM
GeForce 32MB |
I've always enjoyed a good RTS game, right back to Westwood's seminal classic Dune 2. From what I saw and heard of Red Alert 2 at last year's E3, though, I was less than impressed with Westwood's latest efforts. The none-too-friendly EA people (note to EA: I still remember what a bunch of pricks you were. No, I'm never going to forget) told us that most of the attention was being devoted to tweaking the engine so you could have a zillion units on the screen at once. Queries to the effect of "What about gameplay innovations, or nifty new multiplay modes?" drew blank looks.
Coupled with the fact that the stinker known as Tiberian Sun was their last effort, I was less than optimistic about this particular title. Sometimes I wake up screaming about Tiberian Sun in the middle of the night. "No, no! It needs to be creative! Please, god, let it be creative!." But nobody hears my cries.
Looks like I was right. Everything from the engine to the unit selection right down to the gameplay mode is stale and without any kind of innovation. I weep for a once-great franchise, even as I steel my heart to the Westwood that once devoured my units with sandworms like the bitch I loved. I think I'm going to have to have Harold the Copyboy executed in order to relieve this depression.
Story
Apparently all the Allies did to punish the Soviets after the last C&C World War was to change their leader. No occupation, no trade sanctions, not even taking away their nuclear weapons. So of course a bunch of rowdy Soviets decide to get revenge with their psychic mind-control powers and evil giant squid. Makes perfect sense to me!
Gameplay
Remember Command & Conquer and the original Red Alert? If so, you know exactly how this game works. You build up your base (as before, you have to build your buildings close to one another), harvest "ore" that magically floats to the earth's surface, and build a bunch of funky units to destroy your enemy. Repeat that a few times along the campaign and you get the idea.
Of course, there's Westwood's much-vaunted cutscenes to spice up the campaign. These are the little nuggets of B-movie crap (enough with the Lewinsky jokes already!) where during fits of overacting you're told that the prize for winning this war isn't world freedom or a global empire, but the chance to lay some pipe with either Tanya (for the Allies) or Lieutenant Sophia (the Soviet agent modeling Russia's new latex uniforms). Oh goodie. Women apparently need not apply.
The fact that Westwood refuses to evolve with the times and adopt a true 3D engine isn't just a graphics issue; the other RTS games out there use their 3D terrain as a tactical element to the gameplay. Games like the oh-so-delicious Ground Control have spiffy new gameplay elements (the dropships and linear two-sided campaign) and 3D terrain that influences the way you fight. RA 2 is just more of the same old crap they've been shoveling out for years now. It would have been great in 1997, now it's just tired and hackneyed.
It's somewhat enjoyable, just don't expect to be blown away. At least the manual is thick enough to keep my kitchen table from wobbling.
Aesthetics
RA 2 uses a slightly tweaked Tiberian Sun engine to power it's overwhelming mediocrity. The tweaking has all been in the direction of "quantity over quality", though, so don't expect any amazing new changes. Unless of course you're some kind of RTS pervert who wins by throwing armies of 4000 infantry at the enemy, in which case you're smiling. Like the pervert you are.
The graphics are a few degrees above something from 1998. Cue fat lady singing.
If Westwood spent half as much time doing non-lame engines as they did rendering FMV boobage, maybe their games wouldn't be so much ass. This is the age of the Internet, if I needed boobs there are plenty of places I could find some.
Maybe their upcoming game Emperor (now, mercifully, in 3D) won't be such a roiling mass of lame-osity, but that still doesn't save this particular crap-nugget.
Sound
In Age of Empires, your units responded to your commands in the language of their nationality. In RA2, Russian units respond in badly accented English. Because, as everyone knows, Russians start speaking English during tense situations. Hollywood has told us this, and now Westwood has confirmed it for us.
But really, is it too much to ask for a little realism? I mean, do we actually have to understand the unit acknowledgments? All you really need is some kind of noise to confirm that you did indeed give them an order, and Russian profanity works as good as anything else.
The soundtrack is half-decent though, as with all Westwood games. The classic "Hell March" is back, for all your budding facists out there. The perfect thing to pop in the CD player when you're about to get smoove with Tanya, I guess.
Value
Go buy Ground Control, you get a free expansion pack thrown in just because Sierra loves you (apparently, though I'm still skeptical they won't mail you a man-eating tiger instead). It also doesn't suck, which is always a plus.
Conclusion
I was willing to cut Westwood some slack after Tiberian Sun, because it wasn't that bad and it was their only non-stellar game of the C&C franchise. Red Alert 2 just proves that Sun wasn't a fluke, and that they need to seriously analyze the way they make games. When the competition is producing great games that take the genre a step forward, making the same old stuff just doesn't cut it.
Gameplay 2.5/5
To quote Wellington, "They came on in the same old way, and we killed them in the same old way."
Aesthetics 2.5/5
Unless you're some kind of kinky minigunner fetishist, the changes to the TS engine don't improve anything.
Sounds 3/5
Why can't the Soviet units speak in Russian? At least the soundtrack has a few decent songs.
Value 2.5/5
The manual doesn't cause cancer. The CD can be used as a frisbee in a pinch.
The Verdict 2.5/5
That sound you hear isn't the screams of dying men, it's the sound of a million former Westwood fans yawning.
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