Mr. Poppinfresh's Millennium Mantra Review
posted at 2:21 AM on Monday, July 17, 2000
Introduction
| Developed by: |
| LaMa Media (www.mmantra.com) |
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| System Requirements: |
Pentium 200mhz
16MB RAM (32 recommended)
6X CD-ROM
800 by 600 screen area
16-bit color
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| Reviewed Using: |
Althon K7 (overclocked) 1GHz
768 MB RAM
4X DVD-ROM
GeForce DDR
Turtle Beach soundcard
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This game was a real treat for me; a heaping pile of steaming dung so mind-bogglingly bad that I didn't have to go to the well to make fun of it. Really, nothing I could possibly concoct in the way of noxious insults could even remotely dent the shit they put on the back of their own damned box. In case you're a retard (like, you worked on the Ross Perot campaign team or you made this game), allow me to reiterate clearly and concisely my feelings; Me no like this game. This game so bad. So very bad.
I don't even know where to begin describing what the hell it's all about. Like I said, the box says it all much better than I ever could.
As the new millennium dawns, the promise and potential of a new beginning fills the air. People unite with the hope that the next thousand years will be full of happiness and prosperity. Millennium mantra, a game of renewal and life-affirmation, was created to be played in the year 2000. Each person who plays Millennium Mantra becomes part of a collective called The We. Throughout the game, each player can upload their energy, in the form of points, to a website called TheAll.com. There, the energy accumulates until January 1, 2001. If The We can produce six billion points- one for every person alive on earth - then The All will release the Millennium Mantra, thus spreading positive energy throughout the world like a great ripple over the globe.
Is this the mind-control screen?
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I've taken the time to translate that for people who aren't insane.
The concept behind this 'game' is that, this being the year 2000 and all, crazy tree-hugging hemp-wearing fruitbat nutsoid hippies deserve some kind of extra-special game to celebrate their unique brand of stupidity. Sensing this growing demand for complete and utter crap, the good people at LaMa Media crawled out from under their dank rock to excrete this really shiny coaster.
If you win enough points, do they send you a tub of Kool-Aid laced with arsenic and a pamphlet on how to ride comets all the way to heaven? And if you don’t, do The We come to your house to ‘re-educate’ you? Something about this game makes me want to call the ATF and tell them to surround the LaMa Media compound. I mean, they even say on the packaging that their games are "…hypnotic and non-violent…"; non-violent, that is, until you try to arrest their Great Leader. Then it’s time to break out the grenade launchers.
What I want to know is, how did the design meetings for this game go? Who came up with this stuff? I imagine the conversations went something like this:
Somebody please shoot me
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Dumbass 1: The boss wants some kind of 'positive' game this time. Got any ideas?
Dumbass 2: How about a game where you play all these weird pseudo-Chinese spiritual meditative games, then upload your points to a website in the futile hope that this will somehow make people not want to punch you in the face?
Dumbass 1: Dude, I think you packed that bong a little too tight. But let's make it anyways.
Gameplay
'But what about the game?', you ask. I'll tell you - it makes no sense whatsoever. In one round (the ‘Wing’ round), all these symbols fall down, and you're supposed to catch them. In another (the Shee round), there are all these colored balls flying around, and you're supposed to push them with ripples into the right corner... I think. There was no manual, so I can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Whatever it is, I'm quite certain it's boring and pointless. The third round, creatively named ‘Wingshee’, involves you tracing shapes out of glowing strands of light. I wouldn’t be half surprised if you ended up spelling out ‘Submit Your Will To The All!’. These kind of low-level, amateurish games can be found on a $5 100-game compilation CD at the local Wal-Mart, if you are so inclined.
I still don't understand what the hell this is about
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Between rounds, little bits of pseudo-fortune cookie wisdom pop up and further your descent into cognitive oblivion. "The We is all-knowing" and "The path to your soul is through the WingShee," are but two of them, out of the thousands and thousands you'll be pelted with if you ever play this game.
Graphics
I suppose when you've dropped enough acid to think that computers can spew forth 'positive energy', graphics that looks like a brightly-colored parrot's anus don't really matter to you.
Sound
I can't imagine what I did in a past life to deserve what amounts to aural rape. I must have been a Serbian man-slaver, or something. The sounds are limpid and uninspiring, and the music is downright grating.
Conclusion
Can I spell out 'crap'?
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I think one of the 50 or so players of this 'game' summed it up best on their forum when she said, "...at a rate of 1 million points per month, we should reach the goal of 6 billion points a half millennium from now."
Hee hee.
But seriously, this is pure, unadulterated crap. Never buy this game, or let it touch your naked flesh. You won't have any trouble with people who do play it, though; odds are, they're too baked to be a threat to society.
Gameplay: 0/5
Three words: 'what the fuck?'
Visuals: 1/5
At least it won't give you herpes.
Sound: 0/5
If I wanted to listen to music like this, I would frequent 'The Body Shop'..
Value: 0/5
$20 will buy you a lot of stuff - that doesn't mean you want it all.
The Verdict: 1/100
Look ma, it taught me to spell! A-s-s, ass! |
