Mr. Kindred's F13 Review
posted at 12:55 AM on Saturday, July 15, 2000
Introduction
| Developed by: |
| Presto Studios |
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| System Requirements: |
Win95 or greater, Pentium 166mhz, 32MB ram, 2MB graphics card (Direct X compatible), High color, SVGA with 512K RAM, 200MB free hard disk space, 4x CD-Rom,Sound card
For MAC:
Mac O/S 7.5 or greater, 80mhz PowerPC, 50MB free hard disk space, 32MB RAM, Thousands of colors, 4x CD-ROM or better
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| Reviewed Using: |
| Pentium III 500 MHZ, 128MB Ram, Riva TNT, 8x DVD-Rom running Win98. |
Somewhere in practically every Wal-Martish store, you'll find an electronics section. If you dig even deeper, you'll find a games section. It is there that you will find Stephen King's F13, a desktop companion deceitfully masquerading as a game.
Of course F13 isn't really a game when you install it. It's more of a Pakistani buffet. There's a lot of stuff sitting in front of you, you don't think it looks very good, and you have absolutely no clue what any of it is. Not that I have anything against Pakistani cuisine; it just makes for a convenient analogy that I will continue to use in the next paragraph.
Well, not only did I get one plate, but I also went back for seconds and thirds. Not because I liked it what I was eating, but rather because it is part of my job.
As I sat down to experience F13, I imagined myself having Ebola, the bubonic plague, cancer, irritable bowel syndrome and various other diseases that might be more fun than this desktop companion. After 100 levels of BugSplat, one of the mini-games, I settled on Ebola.
What Ebola, er, I mean F13 has is three putrid mini-games, seven so-so screensavers, some desktop themes, a page full of campy Halloween sound effects, and a new story by Stephen King. Truly a rotten buffet table of a product if I ever saw one.
The content
The games of F13 are a cursed lot indeed. Two of them are Whack-A-Moll clones, while the other isn't really a game. The first Whack-A-Moll clone, Whack-A-Zombie, has you whacking skeletons and zombies with a shovel as they try to rise from their eternal slumber. But these ain't no undead molls you're fighting. Molls never hurled bones and skulls at you, especially ones that explode into green ooze upon impact. As an added threat, you have limited health on each level, so you have to whack quiczzzzz. Sorry, fell asleep there for a second.
The next game has you taking on the role of a hillbilly exterminator. Sure fancy insecticides can make short work of these pesky critters, but why do that when you have such powerful instruments as a hammer, a fly swatter, and a newspaper available? You'll be whacking bugs endlessly with BugSplat. I suppose the goal is to get in the high score list, but having to whack bugs to no end isn't my idea of fun. Then again, neither is whacking zombies. There are superior forms of whacking one can partake in, and you don't need F13 for those.
Finally, we have No Swimming. The only interactivity of this game comes from choosing which animal you want to drop to a violent death. You do have a good selection of animals, though, featuring everything from rhinos to dogs. You definitely don't want to grow too attached to the animals, because before long you'll be dropping them into a lake of demon fish where they will be consumed in a violent orgy of aquatic gluttony.
I think I'll just keep my Windows Solitaire, thank you very much.
F13's screen savers aren't as bad as its games. A couple of them are kind of neat, such as the one where a murderer runs through a house killing people. A couple of them are plain boring, and would likely appeal to only diehard Stephen King fans, such as the Works and Trivia screensavers, which focus on his writings.
The sounds and desktop wallpapers aren't anything to write home about. A few are well done, the rest are kind of boring. In particular, the sounds seem like something you'd dig up out of an 80's Halloween sound effects tape. If I'm not mistaken, creaking doors and crows aren't scary anymore. What would be really scary is to accompany the game with a John Tesh soundtrack. That would make me wet my pants.
Then of course we have Everything's Eventual, the story by Stephen King that this product is supposedly built around. After reading the story, I was bored to tears. This seemed more like something he would have scribbled on a napkin than anything worthwhile. The fact is inspired them to build a product with bone-chilling realism in the distinct Stephen King style is even more hard to swallow. Perhaps this story wasn't published in a book for a reason.
Aesthetics
The graphics featured in the games and screensavers aren't all that bad. Bugsplat has some pretty nifty looking bugs and the fact that it has random backgrounds makes it somewhat fresh. In fact, about all the graphics get the job done, even if the job is as futile as playing dodge ball on a busy highway at night. However, the menus look worse than the Chinese food that's been in my fridge for the last two months.
Sound
You'll wish you had never invested in a pair of ears. These sounds are bad. Hearing the splat of your one-thousandth cockroach is enough to make you drill holes in your ears and drain out your brain fluid.
Value
I've seen F13 for as low as $10 in some places, which isn't too bad. If you just want a few new screensavers or are a big fan of Stephen King, then it might be worth it. If you're looking for an exciting desktop companion with fun games, great themes, and nifty content, then don't bother. Besides, ten dollars will buy a lot of toilet paper, and at the end of the day toilet paper will work a lot better than a CD when you decide to wipe your ass with it.
Conclusion
Unless your desktop is an insecure whore begging for a beating, keep F13 away. It may look like a good companion on the outside, but its offerings are pitiful and devoid of fun. One or two good screensavers won't support a product as bad as this one. The only way this product would be worthwhile is if you first lobotomized yourself with a cheese grater. But then of course you could just entertain yourself for hours staring at your hands.
Aesthetics 3/5
Half the graphics look decent, the other half looks like autopsy photos from head wound victims.
Gameplay 1/5
Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, and click!
Sound 2/5
All the ominous midi music, campy horror sounds, and bug splats you've come to know and love.
Value 2/5
For a comparable price you and your friends can spend a little while burning money.
The verdict 2/5
This game is like spending a hot day with Richard Simmons. In the end, you may have repressed the memories, but the scars will never heal.
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