Comic Posted, I Go Nap Now
Posted Monday, April 30, 2001 by Mr. Cheese

Well, I finally got around to posting this week's comic strip. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with Mr. Jim Bean and Mr. Jack Daniels.

Ahem.

Finally, A Game That Sucks!
Posted Sunday, April 29, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

The Japanese are well known for their eccentric gaming tastes. One need only look at the legion of photography games which border on voyeurism and the ever-popular dog walking simulator to see that games there are constantly testing the boundaries of entertainment. SCEI Japan is ready to redefine the interactive medium on a miniscule scale.

The game is called Ka, which is Japanese for mosquito. Ka is half flight sim, half blood sucking parasitic mayhem as you take the perspective of a house mosquito looking for its next meal. A sleeping schoolgirl makes for an easy target, but watch out if she wakes up, or you will be glued flat to the business end of her loafers. Rumor has it that Bojo receives 74% of his daily nutrition from flies picked from his mangy fur, so it will be interesting to see how this game strikes his fancy. If the game bombs, however be on a flying feces alert. The vermin over at Daily Radar are anxious to see whether this "arcade-based domestic mosquito simulation" is shown at E3, but I would not count on that itch being scratched anytime soon.

PS2 Price Drop As Elusive As The Console Itself
Posted Saturday, April 28, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

Rumors have been circulating around the 'net that Sony could announce a PS2 price drop at E3. Let me tell you something, folks - I'd sooner be seen leading self-help groups and teaching abnormal psychology classes than Sony be caught with its pants down, dropping the price of the PS2 this summer.

According to FGN Online and their source, Sony is informing retailers not to expect a price cut anytime soon. Uh, no shit? Even taking the British gaming press with a grain of salt, as is standard practice, the facts simply rule out a summer price cut. First of all, for the first time since launch, Sony's been able to keep retail shelves reasonably stocked and sales numbers continue to rise. If the consoles are still moving off the shelves, and no competition has even arrived on the scene yet, I'd have to make room in my padded fun zone" for Sony execs should they start increasing their losses on the hardware right now. Secondly, console companies have historically used price cuts as a press generating counter-strike. Sega did it with its cuts, not coincidentally announced on the PS2's launch day. Therefore I see every reason to expect Sony will hold a price cut as its ace-in-the-hole until the X-box launches to gamers. Anyone else besides Herr Poppinfresh care to bet me some more fluoxetine hydrochloride?

Sunday Night Martini Grille
Posted Saturday, April 28, 2001 by The Management

One of my many boot-spittle lackeys reminded me that tomorrow is the night of our "Video Games and Violence" Martini Grille. As nobody could possibly have a better memory than I do, I felt it my duty to remind the rest of you.

The chat will be held tomorrow, at 6:30pm PST, on our IRC channel. The channel is on the Sorcerynet server(s), and located at #corp. Faliure to attend will result in severe punishment.

Corpnews Gets Banned From Libraries Across the Nation
Posted Saturday, April 28, 2001 by Mr. Leng

All I can say is: It's about f'n time. Those wacky-bastards at Enix are finally caving into the death-threats, hostage-takings, kidnappings and merciless monkey-rapings and giving the go-ahead for a Dragon Warrior VII US launch.

We've listened to your requests, we've been secretly working for months, and now we're delighted to announce that Dragon Warrior VII will be available in Fall of 2001 for the PlayStation(R) game console. For a taste of things to come, be sure to visit Estard Island on our Dragon Warrior VII website. Visit often. Here you can discover the world of Dragon Warrior VII. But is Estard Island the whole world?

Don't keep Dragon Warrior VII a secret. Be sure to pass the news on to your friends!

What Are The Best Things In Life?
Posted Friday, April 27, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Blood. Guts. Gore- the things that make life great. I have fond memories of scampering around the Corporate Genetic Engineering Compound, biting away at the doctors' noses while my comrades flung poo around as artillery surpport. The monkey wars; I can still smell the dung on my fingers. And then I found the chainsaw- that poor doctor still hyperventilates whenever he sees a healthy, blue butt. Unfortunately, being caged in a cubicle 20 hours a day and experimented on by mad scientists the other four leaves little time for this baboon to engage in most forms of physical violence.

That is, if there isn't an intern around.

In the mean time, psychotic primates like myself have to make do with mercilessly slaughtering various denizens of the underworld or blowing online gamers up with mortars. As such, this is a great day for us all. The expansion to Rune, Rune: Halls of Valhalla has been shipped.

For those of you who never played Rune, imagine a burly, stereotypical Viking wandering around and smashing shit with a big, manly axe. And he has shiny magic. This mighty Viking Warrior goes through many, many levels chock full of demons, skeletons, goblins and the usual enemies you'd expect in your neighborhood Viking Underworld. Halls of Valhalla promises to add a whole new dimension to the somewhat limited Rune multiplayer. With Halls of Valhalla, your Viking can now awkwardly swing his axe in the general direction of other online gamers. According to Tim Gerritsen, business director of Human Head Studios:

Rune: Halls of Valhalla expands upon the original game's innovative theme, addictive gameplay and stunning settings by offering more combat, more levels and an unbelievable multiplayer experience

Id Software To Columbine Litigants: Sure We'll Pay Ya... Psyche!
Posted Friday, April 27, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

The recent 5 billion dollar civil lawsuit filed by family of one of the victims of the 1999 Columbine shootings has generated a hefty amount of attention from gaming press and mainstream media alike. While the message boards on STOMPED (who seemingly first broke the story) are full of responses from gamers, the 25 companies named in the lawsuit have been conspicuously quiet. According to GameSpot, one company has broken the silence.

Todd Hollenshead, CEO of Id Software- which was included in the suit along with GT Interactive, Activision, Sega, Sony, Atari, Nintendo, and Virgin Interactive- gave a brief comment regarding the pending civil action. Hollenshead had assessed the lawsuit and found it to be nearly identical to one dismissed by a federal judge last April regarding the Heath High School shooting in Paducah, KY. saying, "They really don't have a shred of evidence against Id software. I mean, not one of these boys attempted to rocket jump to the roof to get a better angle on his shots! Anyone who's played any amount of our games would have instantly seen that as the best strategic move." He went on to say, "As with the Kentucky litigation, their claims are utterly without merit and we will vigorously defend ourselves." It seemed like Hollenshead had more to say, as a blue speech bubble popped up over his head, but before he could finish his statement he exploded in a mess of blood and gibs as a message appeared high on the wall of the room reading, "H4 H4! 7yP3 |<1LL3d j00! j00 5u><0rz!" Personally, I think it's an open and shut case.

Mr. Nevermore would like to see John Carmack raise an army of Id junkies and give them real weapons to "protect the homestead."

Blah Blah PSO Ver. 2.0 Will be Released Stateside Blah Blah Get a Job You Bums
Posted Wednesday, April 25, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Guess who got out of the rinky-dink, mommy? They haven't invented an electrical current strong enough to keep me locked in a cage! So of course the OBVIOUS thing for me to do upon gaining freedom would to post a story, right? Only in the convoluted and ridiculous world of Corpnews, baby! So here we go!

Sega has re-affirmed their dedication to the condemned Dreamcast system with the announcement that Phantasy Star Online Version 2.0 will reach the States in time to ride the wave of popularity its currently enjoying. No release date is set as of this moment, but Sega has shut down the PSO servers until friday "in preperation of the launch", which will lead many to speculate that its bound to happen soon.

For those unfamiliar with the enhancements 2.0 brings to the table, here's a quick rundown:

Max level raised to 200.
New difficulty setting added, "Ultimate"
New Mags (Some in the shape of old Sega consoles)
New character fashions.
New play levels.
Added Four-Player Capture The Flag mode.
12-Player Lobby Soccer games.
And the much requested, PvP capabilities, so that all you "1137 PK'erz" can slaughter "n00bz" for their "ph4t l3wt" till your mommies tell you it's time for dinner and that you should perhaps go out looking for a job tomorrow because so long as you live under her roof you'll obey her rules, Mr."32-and-unmarried".

A Moment Of Fruit-Related Zen
Posted Wednesday, April 25, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Cyberlore studios has annouced the release of "The Balance of Twilight", a brand new quest for Majesty: The Northern Expansion.

This new quest pits the player against an ancient evil that they had thought vanquished in the original release - Majesty: The Fantasy Kingdom Sim. This evil has invaded the Northern lands of Ardania and it is up to you to defeat this evil once and for all. The quest features all of the new options available to players in Majesty's expansion that was released just last month. You will need to use all of the powers that the new buildings, spells and hero abilities bring to your kingdom in order to complete this challenging quest.

nVidia Lowers GeForce 3 Prices, Gamers Struggle to Recall Sold Body Parts
Posted Tuesday, April 24, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

According to everyone's favorite 'jack-of-all-trades, master of none website', Daily Radar, nVidia has announced a more aggressive pricing plan for their upcoming saliva-inducing GeForce 3 graphics cards. While the promise of a programmable GPU, which would allow developers to utilize the hardware power of the card for an unlimited number of graphical processes, made hardcore gamers everywhere that special kind of happy, the price left many counting just how many internal organs they could afford to lose before their gaming skills started to suffer. For those who have not yet set operation Bladders are Overrated into action, hold up! You may not need to stock up on cathaters just yet.

What was originally slated to be $499 dollars of "my wife would kill me if she knew" cash has now dropped to $399 of complaint silencing bliss. Where $499 may have been beyond the reach of a fully intact human being, nVidia's new $399 introductory price point is merely "call your local mafia loan shark" unobtainable. Therefore, so as not to seem insensitive to the average gamer's wallet, nVidia also announced price reductions on all their market-proven cards. The GeForce2 MX 200 will drop to $99, establishing a presence in the value sector. For $30 more, the GeForce2 400 gains a performance boost over the MX from an increased clock speed and an extra 32MB of RAM, bringing the total to 200mhz and 64 hard working megabytes. Finally, the current top of the line GeForce2 Pro will drop to a manageable $199. Where does your best chance at graphical salvation lie? Damned if I know, but if you'll excuse me, I seem to have a call from a Mr. Joey Vincioni on line 2.

"Hello, Tell-Tale Heart Mental Ward, head pink elephant speaking... Uh, yes, I value the use of my knees, why do you ask?"

'Gummy Block' Officially Declared "Worst Pairing Of Words, Ever."
Posted Tuesday, April 24, 2001 by Janitor Jim

After SquareSoft's seemingly negative outlook towards Final Fantasy X's sales (previously they expected over 2.5 million, now decline to comment? I think Square's hiding something!), they seem to be heading in an exciting new direction with... Gummy Block! The GIA has this to say:

In addition to TetraMaster, another new online project may be in the works at Square. The company trademarked the name "Gummy Block" at the same time as "TetraMaster" and in the same business categories. These categories include "Providing on-line game via computer networks", "computer programs and game software downloadable from computer networks; game software for home use downloadable from computer networks; video games for home use" and several merchandise-related classifications.

I Can Feel The Love
Posted Tuesday, April 24, 2001 by Mr. Crick

Interplay, whose slogan, lest we forget, is "By Gamers, For Gamers", has released a patch for Fallout: Tactics. The new patch has solved certain crash problems, which is good. Meanwhile, some people with previously stable configurations are now having random crashes. Me? I got random crashes before AND after. I think MicroForte must have hired some of Mr. Bojo's relatives for their programming department.

Continuing on in their grand tradition of screwing gamers over, Sierra has decided to alter the terms of their agreement with the company developing Middle Earth online, in effect shafting them as well. MM3D, the company in question, turned around with a law suit- such fun! My finely-tuned journalistic instincs are beginning to detect a pattern here. Anyway, this ironically confirmed that there is in fact a Tolkien game in development, although- knowing Sierra- it's unlikely we'll ever see it.

Cutting-Edge Game, Circa '95
Posted Tuesday, April 24, 2001 by Mr. Poppinfresh

Shadowgames.net has released their contender in the cut-throat world of FPS games, creatively titled 'Shooter'. This technological marvel clocks in at a hefty 2.3 megs, and features such advanced gameplay comoments as guns, shooting of guns, and shooting of guns at people who may or may not want to be shot.

Shooter places you into a real-time 3D environment, where you fight to the death with your enemies. Play alone, against up to 32 bots, and compete with friends for the most kills in the fastest time; or go online for some multiplayer action against up to 32 of your friends, head-to-head!

Big Software Companies Team Up, Battle Yakuza For Turf
Posted Monday, April 23, 2001 by Janitor Jim

Following the lead of other big entertainment companies such as Sega and Nintendo, Capcom and Namco, and other various combinations of companies who produce high-quality 'stuff', three of Japan's biggest game companies are teaming up to survive the recession the game industry in Japan is currently experiencing. PS2.ign.com reports:

Square, Enix and Namco, three of the PlayStation brand's biggest software supporters, are teaming up in Japan. According to Bloomberg, the three companies will take up a five percent stake in one another as part of a deal valued at up to 44.2 billion yen ($363 million).

Neverwinter Nights Screenshots Released, Corp Staffers Officially Aroused
Posted Monday, April 23, 2001 by Janitor Jim

As we draw ever closer to E3, game companies are readying their big guns and pulling out all the stops to make you, the hardcore gamer, fairly explode in an orgy of various bodily fluids- something I, the janitor here at the Corporation, have had to deal with on an all-too-regular basis after everyone has gome home. IGN has published a list of games and vendors that you can expect to see, barring any "surprise appearances". (Personally, I'm hoping for a horde of ex-OSI developers, led by Lord "Tanned, Rested and Ready" British, laying siege to the EA booth, but that's just me...)

And in the midst of all the pre-E3 hype, Bioware has quietly released four new screenshots for Neverwinter Nights, which Bioware promises will have full support for the Geforce 3.

Did you hear me? Four new screenshots for Neverwinter Nights!

Last, Strange Days of the Man They Call "Leng", Take 2
Posted Monday, April 23, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Shortly after posting a story earlier today, I was rudely awakened from my drunken stupor by Mr. Lemming (who is now sporting the latest in spring fashion, the trendy "broken gin bottle in your f'n face"), who informed me that Management didnt take too kindly to the tone of "blatant contempt" for fat people I employed in my article and that I was at risk of "demoralizing the slovenly and obese fanbase" we had established. Well, like a good lackey, I'm going to post another story in an attempt to comply with my employers' wishes.

Let's see, I saw this over on Gaming-Age. Microsoft and Taco Bell Corp. have teamed up to establish a promotional force behind the impending release of the Xbox game console.

Hipster fast-food franchise Taco Bell known for quirky and catchy commercials joins the Xbox wave for a huge promotional deal. Makes you wanna yell, "Yo quiero Xbox!"

Taco Bell will provide substantial media support that will aggressively publicize Xbox, and the company will host major in-store promotions to support the Xbox launch.

"We're thrilled to team up with Microsoft as a promotional partner for Xbox, one of the most exciting entertainment products of 2001," said Debbie Myers, vice president of media, entertainment and licensing for Taco Bell. "Our energetic brand personality mirrors the edgy Xbox brand, which is already resonating with our customers."

Midway Working On 'Spy Hunter' Game, Culture Club Albums Sell Like Hotcakes
Posted Sunday, April 22, 2001 by Janitor Jim

It just goes to show, when developing innovative and groundbreaking games or breathing new life into a classic series fails you, peeling the label off a tattered and worn concept and using it to tart up an innocent vintage game in the hopes of scoring extra points with nostalgic thirtysomethings will do just dandy.

The developers at Midway Games are working relentlessly, only taking time off for the occasional rerun of "Punky Brewster", to bring an updated version of the quarter-sucking blight known as Spy Hunter to current-generation consoles such as the elusive Playstation 2.

"Spy Hunter must always be ready for action as heavily armed enemy vehicles lurk around every corner ready to strike at the first site of the Interceptor. Weapon trucks appear throughout the game to supply the Interceptor with offensive weapons including machine guns, missiles, lasers and counter-attack weapons such as oil slicks, smoke screens and cluster mines. Players have no choice other than being totally immersed in the action with the clandestine plot that unfolds throughout the game, revealing who Spy Hunter is and what he is ultimately after."

Black And White Tweak Guide Published, Fire Extinguisher Sales Plummet
Posted Saturday, April 21, 2001 by Mr. Poppinfresh

Tweak3D has put out a tweak guide for adjusting your graphical settings in Black and White. This is welcome, as Black and White uses vague sliding bars in it's Options menus in place of hard and fast numbers, and some of us aren't psychic oracles transported from ancient Greece expressly for the purpose of adjusting video game settings.

It's also welcome due to Black and White's tendancy to make my pulsating, Human-Genome-calculating supercomputer sweat like a skinny marathon runner in a Swedish sauna. I for one find it rather disturbing to hear my tiny god making noises akin to an overloaded passanger train in India, covered to bursting with poor people and their goats, so let's hope some of these arcane registry changes they prescribe work out.

If Only Computers Made Out Of Coconuts Were Faster
Posted Saturday, April 21, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Our 'peers' over at The Rantings of Lum the Mad recently reported on this Preview of the new Everquest expansion, Shadows of Luclin.

Sony Online Entertainment and Verant Interactive have recently announced the third official expansion to EverQuest, their extremely popular massively multiplayer online role-playing game. Shadows of Luclin is designed to appeal to both current and new EverQuest players, as it will add a number of key features that should make Norrath, the world of EverQuest, even more involving. Among these changes are a greatly enhanced 3D graphics engine,
featuring enhanced player-character models and texture maps; an all-new player-character race and player-character class; and 25 brand-new adventure zones (including a new starting city), suitable for players of all levels.

Cats and Dogs Living Together! Mass Hysteria!
Posted Saturday, April 21, 2001 by Mr. Lemming

Sega announced on Thursday it is officially developing games for Nintendo's upcoming Gamecube system. No specific titles have been announced, but reports indicate that both the Sonic Team and Amusement Vision dev teams have games in development. More announcements regarding their plans will be revealed at E3. In recent months Sega has gone from the movie role of the obviously attractive girl hidden under ugly glasses, to the popular prom queen of the industry. This announcement has deeply impacted art departments from many gaming magazines who can no longer use archived art from the early 90's of Mario and Sonic beating the crap out of each other.

In other "Collapse of Every Conception I Have of the Gaming Industry" news, Bleemcast, the Playstation emulator that runs on the Dreamcast, has an announced release date of May 1st. However, after going through more delays then a Nintendo console system, Bleemcast has lost some of its promise. Originally Bleemcast was meant to be sold in $20 packs each of which would support around 100 games, providing a graphical upgrade to each. Now each version of Bleemcast released will support one game at a cost of about $6 and promises not to eat your first born child. The first game to be supported is Gran Turismo 2, with popular titles such as Metal Gear Solid to follow. I wish the developers of Bleemcast the best of luck dealing with constant requests and whining from customers about their favorite games.

Stick A Fork In Me, I'm Done
Posted Saturday, April 21, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

It's times like these when I'm thankful I'm not a successful video game reviewer. Sure, you've got the perk of playing all the hottest upcoming games before anyone else gets their hands on them. But for every blockbuster title, there are piles of absolute trash high enough to make anyone jump out a friggin' window. As is being reported by FGN Online, the Fox Television network, who's no stranger to peddling garbage on your television, has signed a deal to allow Activision to bring a steaming pile of Fox manure to your Playstation as well.

Just for fun, let's examine the language used to describe the rationale behind this poor joke turned reviewers' nightmare. Says executive vice president of Activision, Kathy Vrabeck,

"The acquisition of World's Scariest Police Chases underscores our goal of delivering top-quality interactive entertainment based on highly recognizable licenses... The brand familiarity and action-packed gameplay will challenge and entertain gamers and the show's fan base."

"The brand familiarity and action-packed gameplay will challenge and entertain gamers".

And Yea, Some Work Was Actually Done
Posted Saturday, April 21, 2001 by The Management

In a startling move, our stable of dozens of highly-trained artists, under the direction of Mr. Cheese managed to actually complete our weekly comic strip on time.

Shocked! Shocked!

...And the Rivers Shall Run Red With the Blood of the Innocent
Posted Thursday, April 19, 2001 by Mr. Leng

After accidentally hitting the bookmark for Planet GeForce instead of Planet GeBroussard, I noticed this little ditty at the top of their page.

A few of you might recall when NVIDIA actually went public and like me, you passed up the chance to invest because a "friend" of yours had "offered" you a "chance" to "get in" on a "sure-fire" "business" that would make "you" both "gajillionaires".

As time passed you would look back at NVDA and see that it was performing moderately at best, so you didn't feel too guilty about a lost opportunity. Now, watching it trade above $80 a share, you're ready to strap on your C-4 vest and have someone shoot you out a cannon right into your employers company picnic as they are quite obviously the source of this massive cosmic conspiracy aimed solely at you!! As the gentlemen at PlanetGeForce so gleefully stated:

If you had purchased $100,000 worth of NVIDIA stock at the IPO, it would now be worth $859,000. WOW!!!

This Just In: Poppinfresh Medicates Nevermore For Life!
Posted Thursday, April 19, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

At this point it's unclear whether I'm psychic, or if a cynical view of the world really is best; everyone's favorite cracked-out CEO of Nintendo Ltd., Hiroshi Yamauchi, is at it again. At a Japanese news conference yesterday, April 18, Yamauchi ripped off his shirt and strangled his closest aide with it before proceeding to map out the future plans for the Game Cube on his chest in red lipstick. At this point, an American journalist, unlearned in the ways of the Far East, dared to interrupt this sacred ritual to question, "Just what the fuck is going on?!"

We'd all love to know, but you just don't go and interrupt a raving basketcase CEO on his native soil. It's unknown what became of this unfortunate reporter, but George W. Bush has made it clear that there will be no negotiations with Tokyo for his safe return, stating "I value each and every one of our service men and women, but there's no way I'm negotiating with China again this soon." To punish all Americans for the reporter's audacity, The GIA is reporting Yamauchi as saying "if the GameCube is not received well at E3, our strategy will be compromised, and that will cause a serious blow to our plans. We may even have to consider pigeonholing the sale of GameCube." What exact kind of reception Yamauchi is expecting after making such a ludicrous statement is still unknown, and nothing in this industry is certain, but I'm certainly looking forward to some of the happy pills Mr. Poppinfresh will no doubt owe me.

They Have Us Surrounded!
Posted Wednesday, April 18, 2001 by Mr. Lemming

Today, Dolby Laboratories announced its new Dolby Interactive Content Encoder technology will be used in Microsoft's forthcoming console system, the X-Box. This technology enables Dolby Digital encoding during real-time game play, as opposed to the prevoius use of Dolby Digital encoding in console systems, such as the PS2, which occured only during cut screens. When Sony was notified of this development they released a press statement saying, "Well it doesn't really matter since most people are using our system for DVD movies anyway."

Movies, and perhaps a little something called Metal Gear Solid 2. The GIA is reporting that Konami has
retained at least three of the same voice actors used in the first game. David Hayter, Christopher Fritz, Patric Laine who played Solid Snake, Otacon, and Revolver Ocelot respectively, will all be returning to their roles in the highly anticipated sequel. This is great news to all those who lovingly recreate their favorite scenes from the first game with various gardening implements and bowls of fruit, as they will not have to relearn how to imitate the voices of their favorite characters! Solid Snake will once again save the day from bad guys named after rejected Mega Man villains!

Raven Software To Wanna-be Vice President Leiberman: "Bring it, foo!"
Posted Wednesday, April 18, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

Soldier of Fortune, by Raven Software, succeeded where every game developer should strive to excel: by offending more senators and special interest groups than previously thought possible. Instead of resting on these laurels, Raven has kicked development into full gear on the sequel, Soldier of Fortune 2. This fine piece of software stands poised to take everything you thought you knew about videogame violence and snipe it straight in the goodies.

The GHOUL engine, responsible for the location-based damage in the original SoF, has been tweaked to be even more realistic. GHOUL II tones down the slightly unrealistic damage levels from GHOUL, but the gore level should actually increase. A per pixel damage portrayal system is being put into place such that if you shoot someone 5 pixels above the navel, that's where the entry and exit wounds will be. Also, since damage is toned down, the Desert Eagle will reportedly no longer remove the entire cranium. Rather, you should expect only chunks of skull to fly away, revealing dripping red gray matter. Good thing we've got games to teach us these things; otherwise, how could you know to lay a dropcloth around your chair before you put an overpowered handgun to your head? Would hate to leave a mess for the maid to clean up.

In the words of project software designer Jon Zuk,

"We've increased the amount of dismemberment zones from 13 to 36, and all the characters are modular, so we can add items like glasses, hats, and weapons onto someone without having to create multiple models."

Whew! Now I Don't Have To Try and Overdose Again.
Posted Wednesday, April 18, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

According to the Gaming Intelligence Agency, Nintendo's newest game console, the Game Cube, will miss its projected July ship date in Japan. A good goddamn thing, too! What were they trying to do, screw with my consistently cynical perception of the world and actually release a game system on schedule?! God knows I just might have been driven over the edge.

Those who haven't died from coronary aneurisms at the shock of this announcement can expect the system to hit the streets in Japan on September 14 and arrive stateside in November, and by God it will! Who are we not to take them on their sterling word? I mean, there's no way it can miss more release dates than the N64 did.

Because if it does, I recommend "It'll ship, I promise!" to Hiroshi Yamauchi-san for his tombstone epitaph when he is torn to pieces by a mob of angry Japanese pre-teens.

Witty Topics Are For Losers; Leng's a Rebel, Baby
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Japan be damned. More happy news from the kids with Yaroze's over at Konami. I read at Computer and Videogames a little something about a brand new game for the PSOne called Castlevania: Chronicles! Well, okay, maybe not "brand new"...in fact from the look of it, it's more of a throwback to the SNES days of Castlevanias' past. Either way though it's vampire-slaying, and the culmination of centuries of mankind's fascination with the blood-sucking undead.

There's not much in the way of actual information on the game, but boy do they have a fine selection of pictures. Read 'em and weep, boys. Oh and in case you're wondering, there are no plans to release the game outside of Japan, nor do I think they will ever bother to, as the game does not feature the 2001 NFL Roster, Tony Hawk or snow boards. Well, my job here is done, time to pick up my chingo de dinero paycheck and hit the nudie bar before the alimony requests start pouring in.

Forgotten Conquest Goes.. Uh.. What The Hell Is Forgotten Conquest Again?
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Are you sick of all the big, evil corporations hogging all the game programming fun? We here at The Corporation sure as hell aren't. At least big corporations have a chance of making a good game. A tiny, tiny chance, but a chance nonetheless. "Small time game developers", or high school kids with short attention spans, have an even smaller chance of making a good game (or even complete a game at all). Some small time game developers may lie and post fake screenshots of their non-existant game. This is not true of the heroes over at Forgotten Conquest. They neglect to post any screenshots of their non-existant game at all.

"Avis Tonitrus" (probably the game developers) promises that Forgotten Conquest will include:

-Advanced HyperCard based engine
-Four distinct races, each with their own strategies and storyline
-Over 50 different units and buildings, and that's not including all the easter eggs
-Fast Image and animation compression using the robust SBWI and SBWM formats
-Complex Artificial Intelligence which learns and remembers a specific player's strategies
-Full-featured music, sound and movie sequences

Midway Rendered Senseless by Lack of Profits
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

After one too many consecutive earnings quarters in the red, someone at Midway was cracked in the skull by falling revenues and cranked up the tried-and-true Midway recyclo-tron, which is currently straining over the toilet bowl of mediocrity in preparation for the release of the next chapter in the Mortal Kombat saga. Development for Mortal Kombat 5 is fully underway and some people actually think this is a good idea!

Needless to say, this makes me uncomfortable the way only my recurring herpes outbreak can, after sharing needles with teenage thugs in an attempt to understand this release's target audience. Or so my guy in the field reported! Uh, yea.

Well, of the usual suspects, only Scorpion's return has been confirmed, and the game will likely not be playable at E3, but I hesitate to use the word "playable" in reference to anything published by the company that redefines the term "shovelware" on a yearly basis. Army Men: Sarge's Air World War 3D Attack 2, anyone?

IGN "Insider" Program Still Can't Explain Why Daily Radar Sucks a Nut
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. Nevermore

The Imagine Games Network announced on all 7 of its main gaming sites that coming soon, you too can now pay for what used to be free! That's right! For a low fee of $19.95 for a full year you can have access to exclusive web content which you've been enjoying free of charge for years; content such as message boards with links and icons, the ability to write to editors and have them respond, PDF strategy guides, QuickTime game footage, a web comic, and screenshots.

You heard me! They'll let you view screenshots! Wow, I have to get access to all of this exclusive stuff which I already use free of charge right now, you say?

Well, simply bend over and receive the big fat marketing cock that is the Imagine Games Network straight into your most uncomfortable region, and realize that the only thing you'd be willing to pay IGN $20 for is an explanation of why Daily Radar couldn't be written with the same insight and skill that used to be Next-Gen.com. But if your intelligence is not quite insulted enough, just remember, once you assume the position, "Regular IGN readers can only watch in envy as you demonstrate your newfound powers."

Adjust Your Tinfoil My Friends, Incoming Mind-Control Waves!
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. Poppinfresh

Everyone knows videogame message boards are dens of iniquity, the epithet-hurling denizens therein generally on par intelligence-wise with the sort of plankton I have to scrape off the bottom of my toilet tank every few years. Our wonderful forums excluded, of course.

But sometimes, a sect of gyrating, purple-robe-wearing cultists for some stinky fart-like whiff of vaporware goes above and beyond all expectations to firmly plant their flag at the summit of Mount Crazyfuckers. Cue Dawn fans, stage left.

Why mention these people, who we all know are about as stable as an ice palace in the Sahara on an unseasonable warm August day? Because they’ve outdone themselves this time. This stuff is crazy, like ‘building pie-plate sattelite dishes in your back yard to receive your orders from Planet Zarkon’ crazy. Let me quote a few salient lines for you.

*Sigmund hands Chrono a Websters Dictionary, and the The Complete Idoits Guid to Kings Old English by Que Publication House a Division of Macmillan Publishers.*
Well I figured if your Candian you could figure out what the Kings or Queens English is, but my be your not that bright. Do you need anyone to read it for you? I am sure that a any 5 year old kid can help you out.

Lady Johanna, I was with thee as this shit went down and know how upset thee are, dont let this shit chase you from what you do so well.

I am part of an FBI Internet Abuse Task Force, and I see nothing that could be blamed as illegal here.

I am not going to read all of these posts. Most of them are insane and disgrading, and should be ignored for the purpose of letting them sit there and be ignored. There are only a few posts on this entire thread that are even somewhat directly related to the topic.

Sierra Lays People Off, Nobody Very Suprised
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. Poppinfresh

Sierra, that giant evil gaming company that could be likened to EA's 'good twin' brother (i.e., they're the one without the goatee, but otherwise identical in every way), put the boot to a large swath of Dynamix. That's right, Dynamix; the ones who just finished slaving over Tribes 2. Sierra, that was so, so....bastardly! I salute you!

Dave Meddish, one of the victims of this latest purge, didn't sound terribly happy about his recent non-employment.

As some of you probably know, I was one of the unfortunate troika that didn't survive the latest layoffs at Sierra/Dynamix. Sigh. I give them a year of crunch time, and this is my reward--but, working for Sierra (corporate motto: "Job Security: Never Had It, Never Will ) is like working on the Bomb Disposal Unit, I knew the risks going in.

Not surprisingly, the interest in a designer for Tribes in the game biz is rather high, which reminds me, I've gotta go make more copies of my resume. I've got a lot of options open right now...

Final, My Furry Butt
Posted Tuesday, April 17, 2001 by Mr. Lemming

The MagicBox reports that Final Fantasy X, the first PlayStation 2 revision of the popular Final Fantasy series of RPGs, will be released in Japan on July 19th. Square expects to sell 3 to 3.5 million copies in Japan alone. This will be quite an accomplishment since at the end of fiscal year 2000 (March 31st, 2001), approximately 2.5 million PS2s were sold in Japan. Square is also planning on releasing remade versions of the three Final Fantasy games that appeared on the PlayStation.

According to The MagicBox, "The graphics will be enhanced to the PS2 level, and the game system will be tweaked to correct all the flaws in the originals." It remains unknown how the flaw of "This is interactive entertainment goddamnit! If I wanted to sit and watch something for five hours I would go see your movie!" will be corrected without drastic changes to the games.

Help Me, Enix.co.jp, You Are My Only Hope
Posted Monday, April 16, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Reading this news piece gave me such an exquisite surge of pain, much like when I was apprehended by the state and subjected to 16 months of electro-shock therapy to cure my acute "social anxiety disorder", which is what they called it when you created a 200-foot-tall bonfire of hippies and pacifists back then. Ahh, the bygone days of thy youth...

Right, well, Enix, makers of such rawk games as Dragon Warrior (Dragon Quest in Japan, yes, yes, keep your elitist import-know-it-all emails to yourselves) and Dragon Warrior Monsters have announced that this summer they plan to release two network titles for the PC in Japan. They hope that the first, named Cross Gate, will attract at least 500,000 users before they roll out Dips Fantasia (working title, please let it be) later on in the year.

The Gamespot article I ganked this from gave no mention of specifically what genre these games will fall under, but being Enix and all I would be willing to bet it would lie somewhere in the RPG-to-Adventure area. While there's no word from the publisher as to whether or not there are release plans for America, I would love nothing more than to see Enix stick it to all these American "MMORPG" developers and their sick fascination with "3D Graphics"! 2D old skewl all the way! Gunpei Yokoi ain't dead! God just called him up to heaven to sit at his right hand side! Your EQ-ing days are numbered, fatty!

Firaxis, Maxim To Produce New "Crack"
Posted Sunday, April 15, 2001 by Mr. Poppinfresh

A seen on the official Sims news page, Sid Meyer has been hanging around the Maxis offices a lot lately.

Legendary game designer, Sid Meier (Alpha Centauri & Civilization), has been spotted at Maxis on a few occasions in recent months. Although the specifics are a closely guarded secret, we can tell you that Sid and Firaxis are working on a Sim title that is due out later this year. Look for more details in the coming weeks.

New Comic Strip, Slackers Have Been Executed
Posted Saturday, April 14, 2001 by The Management

The second edition of our shiny-special Corporation comic strip is finally up. Due to the week-long delay, we decided to make it an extra long nine-panel feast of the senses by way of thanking you, our noble reader.

Not to worry, the Afpakiskurdan geurillas responsible for damaging our Art Facility have all been killed by our security forces, and the lax guards who let them into the Corpnews Compound have been defenstrated with a quickness. From now on, you can expect regular weekly comic installments, or I'll have to start getting mean.

For The Easily Amused
Posted Saturday, April 14, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and.... well, boys, Myst III: Exile has gone gold. Sweet, beautiful gold. For those of you who have been been living on Mars with your eyes shut and your hands over your ears, the Myst series is one of the most important gaming series ever. More important than Everquest or any series that's come out in the past couple of years. Myst was revolutionary. It showed gamers that computer games didn't have to look like ass. Myst killed adventure games. Not only did it kill the genre, it gutted it and tossed its intestines around like confetti. Myst sold so many copies, other adventure game companies decided to copy it. Thus Myst clones were born and thus adventure games as a genre died.

Now Myst III is coming out and it is not being produced by Cyan, the company that produced Myst, Riven (the sequel to Myst) and Real Myst (imagine a bastardized Myst with the Quake 3 engine). Myst III has instead been programmed by Presto Studios, the famous developer of such games as the Journeyman Trilogy and... uh..., well, Myst III. Myst III will feature such revolutionary technological advances (circa 1995) as full 360 panning and lots of nicely rendered pixels to hunt.

Myst III can be expected to be in stores around May 5. Ook.

EA Flaunts its "M4d Publ1zh1n Sk1llz"
Posted Friday, April 13, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Management told me that since I'm the only one on staff who openly admits to despising Christianity along with any other religion that promotes "positive feelings", I have to come to into the office today. Which is fine, as it's given me an opportunity to leave everyone Cadbury Cream-Filled chocolate eggs...only they're not by Cadbury...and they aren't exactly filled with cream...

Speaking of paganism though, I'm sure the suits at EA are in quite the "uproar". After many fruitful months atop the PC Sales Charts, The Sims has finally been relieved of its post by Black & White, which, as a side-note, is also published by the kind people at EA. Obi-wan's failure truly is complete:

Best-selling games for the week of March 25-31, 2001:

Rank / Title / Publisher / Average Price
1 / Black & White / Electronic Arts / $45
2 / The Sims: House Party / Electronic Arts / $30
3 / The Sims / Electronic Arts / $39
4 / Tribes 2 / Havas Interactive / $49
5 / The Sims: Livin' Large / Electronic Arts / $28
6 / Serious Sam: The First Encounter / GodGames / $17
7 / Roller Coaster Tycoon / Infogrames Entertainment / $27
8 / NASCAR Racing 4 / Havas Interactive / $43
9 / Age of Empires II: Age of Kings / Microsoft / $44
10 / Command & Conquer Red Alert 2 / Electronic Arts / $36

Nintendo Exclaims, "Reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated!"
Posted Tuesday, April 10, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Wow, it sure is quiet at the office today. This suddenly feels like a bad Southwest Airlines commercial. Anyways...

I read over on Nintendojo about IDSA's 2000-2001 State of the Industry report (I guess our copy got lost in the mail). There was some pretty interesting information on the report, especially for all you N64 playa-hataz out there, and I found that when I printed it out, the ink smeared all over my buttocks. Here's the gist of it from Nintendojo though:

Computer and videogame sales for the year totaled $6.02 billion, down only slightly in what has generally been regarded as a 'tranistion' year. Despite the N64 and PSone nearing retirement and the Dreamcast and PS2 vying for the next-gen market, the market held strong, with $4.1 billion in console sales alone.

A full 13 of the top 20 selling games of 2000 were N64 and Game Boy Color titles, including Pokémon Stadium, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, Mario Party 2, Perfect Dark, and WWF No Mercy. Perfect Dark was the only M-rated game in the year 2000 to crack the top 20 for any console.

The IDSA report noted that "the stereotypical image of a videogame player - a teenage boy playing alone for endless hours - is finally fading away." To back up that claim, the report contained recent surveys which turned up the following numbers:

60% of all Americans play interactive games on a regular basis

43% of videogame players are women

58% of gamers are over 18 years old

32% of gamers are over 35 years old

The vast majority of gamers play with friends and family

Mr. Rankinfile's Farewell Address
Posted Tuesday, April 10, 2001 by Mr. Rankinfile

This is the something like the 34th time I'll speak to you from this godforsaken cubicle, and the last. We've been together almost 6 months now, and soon it'll be time for me to go. But before I do, I wanted to share some thoughts, some of which I've been saving for a long time.

It's been the honor of my life to be your faceless reporter and Corporate Yes-Man. So many of you have written the past few weeks to say thanks, but I could say as much to you. Nancy and I are grateful for the opportunity you gave us to serve.

One of the things about the Corporation is that you're always somewhat apart. You spent a lot of time going by too fast in a car someone else is driving, and seeing the people through tinted glass--the parents holding up a child, and the wave you saw too late and couldn't return. And so many times I wanted to stop and reach out from behind the glass, and connect. Well, maybe I can do a little of that tonight.

People ask how I feel about leaving. And the fact is, 'parting is such sweet sorrow.' The sweet part is being allowed outside, and using the bathroom at will. The sorrow--the goodbyes, of course, and leaving this hysterical, if mind-numbing, office.

You know, down the hall and up the stairs from this office is the part of the The Corporation where the Editor and his family live. There are a few favorite reeducation videos I have up there that I like to stand and watch over and over. The content is such that I always left with a feeling of love and security for The Corporation, a feeling the cold, hard world never gave, even though I was permitted freedom of thought. Someone said that's the feeling that Winston had after he caved like spineless pansy to the will of Big Brother. It’s nice to relate to someone so famous.

I've been thinking a bit at those videos. I've been reflecting on what the 5/12 of a year have meant and mean. And the image that comes to mind like a refrain is a nautical one--a small story about a big ship, the “World’s Largest Metaphor,” as The Onion calls it, and a captain. It was back in the early 20th century, before Leonard DiCaprio was born. Ocean liner exultation was at its peak. And the captain was hard at work on…something… and forgot to look out at the water. The rest is history.

A big moment with a big meaning, a moment the senior officers, who drowned, left for the rest of the world to learn from. There are ways to do things, and ways not to. Everything should be approached with the understanding that nothing is invincible or always right. But instead, Titanic Pride spelled the death of thousands and the sinking of the world’s greatest ship.

It's been quite a journey this year, and we held together through some stormy seas. But at the end, swimming for survival, we are sinking in our own, broken lifeboats. The only one that would survive the water took a few of us to run, and it crashed. The ones not responsible paid the highest price.

But life has a way of reminding you of big things through small or isolated incidents.

So, we've got to teach history based not on what's in fashion but what's important--why the Pilgrims came here, who Jimmy Doolittle was, and what those 30 seconds over Tokyo meant; who the Corp staff is and was, why a socialist organization can succeed in a capitalist world, and why this damned gaming industry is so fucked up you can’t help but laugh; why communication and cooperation are paramount, and two heads are always better than one.

And let me offer lesson number one about The Corp: All great change at The Corp begins in Brainwashing. So resist. Some see five lights. So tomorrow night in Reeducation, look hard. Think for yourself. I know what will happen, but you don’t.

We've done our part. And as I walk off into the city streets, a final word to the men and women who actually read this site, the men and women across America who for 5/12 of a year did the work that brought The Corporation back. My friends: We did it. We weren't just marking time. We made a difference. We made the city stronger, we made the city freer, and we left her in good hands. All in all, not bad, not bad at all.

And so, goodbye, God bless you, and God bless The Corporation.

Mr. Rankinfile would love any words - kind or harsh - to be written here.

A Fond Farewell
Posted Monday, April 9, 2001 by Mr. Galt

Have
The brave Geats build me a tomb,
When the funeral flames have burned me, and build it
Here, at the water's edge, high
on this spit of land, so sailors can see
This tower, and remember my name and call it
Beowulf's tower, and boats in the darkeness
And mist, crossing the sea, will know it,
-Beowulf

My friends
It has been a wonderful time working with you. Unfortunately, as Mr. Rogers says, our time is over for now.

It's such a good feeling to know you're alive
It's such a happy feeling, you're growing inside!
And when you wake up ready to say,
'I think i'll make a snappy new day' *snap snap*
It's such a good feeling, a VERY good feeling
A feeling you know that I'll be back, when the day is new
And I'll have more ideas for you! And we'll have things you'll want to talk about!
I will too.

Keeping Out The Undesirables
Posted Monday, April 9, 2001 by Mr. Poppinfresh

While this has nothing to do with games, it does have something to do with me, and as such I'll abuse my power so I can share it with the world.

This weekend I was supposed to go to lunch in Seattle (just across the border from my home stomping grounds) with some of the HALO dev team, and Tycho from Penny-Arcade.

US Customs decided not to let me in. In fact, they decided they had a nice comfy holding cell for me instead.

Why, you ask? Well, I was asking that too, and never really got a straight answer. Seems they thought I was trying to illegally emigrate so I could get a job in the dot-com sector (their words, not mine).

Because we all know how fast that industry is growing.

I'm sure there are lots of nice, hard-working US Customs officers out there, just doing their jobs.

To the other 95% of them, they can cram it with walnuts.

Martini Grilles and Other Things Of Note
Posted Sunday, April 8, 2001 by Mr. Galt

The topic of tonight's Martini Grille is "Memory Lane: What Made Atari, NES, SNES and Genesis So Great?" As usual 10pm in #corp on Sorcerynet. Now all the rest of the news that is fit to print.

You may be asking yourself why it took SO long for me to post tonight's topic. Part of the reason is that it took me until yesterday to come up with a topic. The other part being that Mr. Galt was a naughty boy and went out to a party last night. ALWAYS ask what is actually in the punch. There is a minor difference between rum and grain alcohol. I hope you all enjoy the topic, but I could really use some more ideas. The synapses aren't firing as well as they used to. Why don't you mail me with any ideas.

In other news, I make my triumphant return to posting regular news as of tomorrow. I have been on what the doctors call "a little vacation." While they felt that the Martini Grille was therapeutic, they felt the source of my desire to kill focused around writing news posts. I'm *twitch* a lot better *twitch* now.

I hope to see everyone at tonight's edition of Mr. Galt's Sunday Night Martini Grille!

Lucasarts Still Exists
Posted Sunday, April 8, 2001 by Mr. Rankinfile

A conversation with someone who is just a wee bit too excitable and obsessed with 1997's gift to the gaming world, Jedi Knight, prompted me to type in http://www.lucasarts.com into my Browser O' Fun and Lo and Behold...

LucasArts still exists!

You can imagine my shock (UPDATE: Out of the 6 times I have tried loading their site tonight, the site came up twice...)! After a couple of lousy titles in recent history, plus the infamous canceling of Obi-Wan for the PC, plus the constant self-purging the staff does... I figured it would've imploded into a game developmental black hole by now. Hey, even I can be wrong on occasion.

On loading main page, however, I was pleased to see that they have posted "New Concept Art" for Escape From Monkey Island, which, as many of you know, came out in October 2000 (or was it November)?

OK! OK. So the PlayStation2 version hasn't come out yet. It just tickles the funny bone that concept art for a 4-month old game is the headlining news at LucasArts.

Rumor has it they will be releasing game information on Dark Forces soon...

New Powerglove To Premiere At E3! Run!
Posted Saturday, April 7, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Flashback: 1989! After saturation advertising, the Power Glove is released worldwide to the intense disappointment of children. Remember that power glove? We here at The Corporation sure as hell don't. We had to undergo years of expensive, government subsidized therapy. But now, in the Twenty-First Century, we are once again given the opportunity to face the extreme evil that is The P5.

The following is an exerpt from an email from Al Abrams, President of "Abrams Creative Sevices/PRominencePR Group" sent to reporters planning on attending the E3 nexus of "suck":

If you're looking for a hot story with great visuals at E3 next month in Los Angeles, consider P5 from Essential Reality!
"I was definitely intrigued. The P5 shows a lot of promise... for many applications! It's a very ambitious project that I may not have believed until I saw it." Paul Hoza, MassMOG.com

The response last month by the press when they saw P5 for the first time at the Game Developers Conference in San Jose was incredible. The demand to see P5 was so great that the entire schedule of editorial interview times was filled in just two days.

Here's why P5 caused all the excitement. P5 provides the computer gamer with an ergonomically designed glove-like device, which controls the fast action in 3D game software through diverse hand gestures! Pull your trigger finger in space and the on-screen
gun shoots in real time. Flick your fingers away and a game character is thrown against the wall. Lift your palm and an animated helicopter slowly rises into the air. And that's just a sample!

Newman!
Posted Thursday, April 5, 2001 by Mr. Leng

Once again, cursing myself for not being born in Japan, I bring you news of the latest and greatest to come out of the land of the Rising Dragon Punch. Gamespot reports that Capcom has announced plans to develop a Biohazard (Resident Evil, for the uncultured) for the iMode cell phone service. The game actually sounds pretty detailed and I’m so wasted I can barely see my claws on the keyboard, so I’ll just copy/paste this one:

In the game, players become a member of the S.T.A.R.S. team in order to investigate a mysterious incident in Racoon City and fight zombies. The city will have items such as weapons and green herbs that will aid players in their quest. Players can also team up with other players to eliminate a group of zombies or Tyrant himself, trade items and information, and solve puzzles cooperatively.

Killing enemies will help the player's character gain experience and acquire different abilities such as lock picking or the ability to find items easier. Team members vary from the offensive "attackers" to the healing agent "rescuers." Other than the main game, players can also play against other players in a survival game as well. The iMode Biohazard iSurvivor service begins this spring in Japan.

Tomb Raider Trailer - Is It Game-Accurate?
Posted Thursday, April 5, 2001 by Mr. Rankinfile

The official Tomb Raider movie site has the full movie trailer (um, yay?) available for download. For the ignorant, Tomb Raider is a once-innovative console and PC game series that kicked ass, took names, and then took a nap for the next few sequels. It's like Indiana Jones with huge knockers and no wee-wee.

And less plot. Which, I note, the movie seems to be remaining true to the Tomb Raider feel there. It's something about the Illuminati and the fate of the whole-entire-big-wide-world resting on just one woman's hands, Lara Croft (played by Angelina Jolie w/ a quasi-accent). Other aspects that stayed true to the game series... the environments were very Tomb Raider-ish. Also, the fonts. The fonts were similar. Did I mention the weak plot?

Unfortunately, the movie seems to have been corrupted by evil Hollywood producers and appears to stray from the true heart of the gaming series. Jolie's mammary glands don't appear to be augmented. The environments - while similar in atmosphere - lacked polygonal shape and showed no signs of clipping. I didn't hear a single male choir chant in the music. Also lacking were uncomfortable camera angles. And I didn't see Ms. Jolie miss a jump once in the preview and have to reload herself.

It's a shame to steal a title of a game and not be true to the series itself.

Nevertheless, I'm guessing that the movie will successfully maintain the (downward) trend of quality that the series has stuck to rather religiously.

Truthfully, I hope that come June 15, the moviemakers prove me wrong on that one.

SNK Buys One Pocky Too Many; Files for Bankruptcy
Posted Tuesday, April 3, 2001 by Mr. Leng

In the saddest piece of news I've reported since the day Lemming devoured his children in a fit of animalistic infanticide, SNK has announced that they are filing for bankruptcy, citing $38 billion yen in debts. Anyone who has followed the tragic story of SNK as of late knows that they had earlier been saved from shutting their doors thanks to Azure Ltd. However, now it's Azure that's closing its offices and once again our heroes at SNK are cast out into the cold and dark night.

At this moment, SNK's last scheduled release is Garou: Mark of the Wolves for Dreamcast, also known as Fatal Fury stateside.

As for what the future holds? It's a tough call. A lot of gaming companies have been downsizing, and I'm sure none are too willing to shell out the cash to acquire and then pay off the debts SNK has accrued...*coughpleasecapcomyoujerkscough*.

If this is the end of SNK, then at least they lived a good life, bestowing upon gamers such bona fide classics as Samurai Shodown, Fatal Fury, Metal Slug, King of Fighters and Last Blade. But let it be known to you fools, that were I given the opportunity, I would eagerly commit genocide on a global scale if it meant another Samurai Shodown game.

As a side note, while I'm happily defecating in your dying grandmothers cornflakes, Video-Senki is reporting that Famitsu has closed down all its international sites, which means I'll be forced to delete that bookmark from my web browser. What a hassle.

Pleasure, Punishment, and Frequent Defecation
Posted Tuesday, April 3, 2001 by Mr. Finnegan

Four out of five gaming whores agree: Black and White kicks ass. But why take my word for it? Take a look over at Planetblackandwhite.com's community creature stories. It’s a list of humorous tales written about the silly antics of their servant creatures.

Here's a small example:

I started up a session of single player B&W and at the load screen it gave me the tip that says if you get your creature to pick up rocks it will build their muscles. So after a little while I thought I’d try it out...cause who wouldn't want a ripped creature? So I had the learning leash on and I brought him over to a pile of rocks. I clicked once on one of the smaller rocks to focus his attention. But he didn't do anything. I tried several more times, but nothing. I could tell he was getting annoyed, but I kept on trying. Then all of the sudden he pooed all over the rocks (several times)! So I punished him....heftily. Then I tried to get him to pick up a rock again. And he did! But, then he started running with it. I followed him as he ran towards the ocean. Once he got there he threw the rock into the ocean and then flipped me off. So (don't ask me why) I rewarded him. So my creature ran back to the pile of rocks that he had crapped all over and picked up some of his poop. Then he ran back to the ocean, threw the poop in the ocean and waved happily to me. I laughed very hard after seeing this. I love Black and White.

X-Com: Enforcer Goes Gold, On Pace To Not Change Gaming World
Posted Monday, April 2, 2001 by Mr. Rankinfile

Those snappy chaps over at Gone Gold had a whirlwind of a day trying to keep up with the X-Com: Enforcer news. First, they got word from the developers that X:E could go gold today, then they got word that (brace thyself) it went gold today! (cue fanfare)

A quick look at the fun-for-the-whole-family X-Com: Enforcer propaganda site reveals a slew of before-seen features, like:

Destroy the aliens!

Over 35 levels!

Experience the (not very souped up) Unreal Tournament engine!

Battle the aliens! (definitely worth a second mention)

Use big bad weapons! (Like the ultra-futuristic shotgun, whew!)

Find weapon upgrades and power ups!

Play multiplayer deathmatch and co-op!

*Yawn* Wake Me In May
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2001 by Mr. Lemming

The Tokyo Game Show has come to an end. Now a month and a half long march of tedium begins until the next big propaganda - er, game - show, E3. A quick round-up of the companies and their showings:

Sony displayed several games which attracted the attention of the US-gaming press, including Final Fantasy X, Gran Turismo 3, and Silent Hill 2. All three titles are visually impressive, and each has its own background of great gameplay. But where are my dancing monkeys and talking fish!? Is the Playstation 2 capable of having a decent game that is innovative and not a sequel?!

Microsoft continued its efforts to break into the mindset of the Japanese market by dropping bank vaults on their heads. They also continued to portray the X-Box as the greatest thing since sliced human corpses were used for scientific imaging. A new, smaller controller was unveiled for the Japanese release after Microsoft learned that people don't like holding pie tins in their hands while playing games.

Tecmo demostrated Dead or Alive 3 as an exclusive title for the X-Box. While the character models do not look siginificantly better than those in the Dreamcast and PS2 versions of Dead or Alive 2, the backgrounds have received an impressive quality boost. It is unknown at this time if the infamous breast bouncing alogorithms have received a similar boost.

Nintendo exhibited for the first time at a Tokyo Game Show and to the shock and amazement of all, showed the Game Boy Advanced. Reports around the net indicated that this miniature cash cow was the highlight of game playing at the show. If that is the case, either Nintendo has the GBA performing miracles like a creature from Black and White, or overall the Tokyo Game Show was rather tame. Perhaps it was both... or neither...

Tribes 2 Beta Update
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Last week was a big one for gaming, to say the least. Both Black & White and Tribes 2, probably the two most anticipated games since I've been alive (not including possible reincarnations). How have the two fared?

Well, it seems that Tribes 2 is greatly loved, albeit by patient and biased fans willing to put up with a rather large slew of release errors. No word on when Tribes 2 will come out of beta status. (You think I'm kidding? I might not be...look at this article, which I can't quite make sense of).

If you're having the now-somewhat-famous "UE error," here is a possible fix.

Ironically, Black & White was the one hit with a faux recall for an accidental release of the beta candidate, not Tribes 2. I suspect a Sierra Studios PR grunt for the misinformation.

Oh, by the way, Orson Welles called to let me know that China has launched a barrage of nuclear missles at North America and also that Shadowbane has been canceled.

I, too, am distressed at the thought of losing Shadowbane. Happy April Fool's Day!

Blizzard Employs High Resolution, circa 1997
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2001 by Mr. BoJo

Blizzard Entertainment (the devourer of souls and the creator of five total games over a period of seven years) has announced that it will be searching for beta testers for the Diablo II Expansion. Their site reads:

Starting Wednesday, April 4, Blizzard Entertainment will be seeking beta testers for Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. Applications will be accepted from noon pacific daylight time on Wednesday, April 4, until noon PDT on Wednesday, April 11. Beta testers will be chosen randomly from the pool of applicants.

Applicants must own a copy of Diablo II and must be U.S. or Canadian residents 17 and over. System requirements for the expansion set remain the same, but those wanting to run the program in the new 800 x 600 resolution will need higher-end machines. The focus of the test will be on improving game server stability and capacity. Please be advised that the beta test server will experience frequent periods of instability during the testing period.

The End of Innocence
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2001 by Mr. Leng

I managed to divert my evil stare away from my B&W game long enough today to give a sideways glance at the news stories and empty liquor bottles littering my desk and one thing caught my eye.

Last week at TGS it was revealed that the super-villains at Microsoft had hatched their latest scheme in their mission of global domination and it almost-regrettably involves the former do-gooders over at Sega.

Basically, Sega's signed on for 11 X-box games with titles announced so far being Gunvalkyrie, Sega GT, Jet Grind Radio Future and most loin-tingling of all, a funky-fresh new Panzer Dragoon game!

Personal opinion aside I don't think anyone really gives a hoot about "Gunvalkyrie" or another Sega GT game, so I'll just post the good stuff, straight from x-box.com to your pathetic human brain:

Panzer Dragoon (latest version)
Xbox owners will be the first to return to the stunning world of Panzer Dragoon. They can take flight once again to explore the lush beauty, fierce technology and mysterious dragon-breeding culture of one of Sega's most sought-after franchises.

Jet Grind Radio Future (tentative title)
Gamers should get ready to skate, grind and trick to a new beat. "Jet Grind Radio Future" is a next-generation street action game for Xbox that delivers fast-paced action, new awesome tunes and an artistic look that's truly groundbreaking.

Short Answer: Build It Yourself
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2001 by Mr. Finnegan

Do you have a hardware inept friend or family member who wants to become a 1337 gaming whore? Ph33r n0t! Gamespot has you covered with its new article comparing some popular premade brands of Pentium and Athlon DDR systems. Personally, I'm solidly in AMD's camp for the time being but take a gander at the results if you're curious who Gamespot thinks comes out on top. Oh, and just in case you're one of those people who have a habitually bad time grasping the obvious: it's cheaper to make it yourself!!!.

On a side note, we at The Corp apologize for the downtime. We're back in business and should be operating in our normal slightly witty/slightly informative capacity.

Martini Grille Madness
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2001 by Mr. Galt

The topic of tonight's installment of Mr. Galt's Sunday Night Martini Grille will be "Of Majestic, And Such: When Does The Border Between Real Life and Gaming Blur Too Much?" As always, you can find such stimulating discussion at #corp on Sorcerynet every Sunday night at 10pm EST. Hope to see you there!