Mr. Rankinfile: On Being An ORPG n00b.
posted at 12:00 AM on Monday, December 5th, 2000
Introduction
When it comes to playing MMORPGs (Massively-Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), I am something of a novice. A plebeian. A rookie. No, "virgin" would be more accurate. I've heard people talk about it. I've even watched someone do it once, but never engaged in the act myself.
Which is why I think I should write about them. You see, I'm like the possible-president-elect George W. Bush in Washington, D.C. - an outsider. Just call me Ponyboy.
My recent addition to the recently restructured staff here at the recently renovated Corporation (a joyous and defining moment in my paltry life, I assure you) has given me immediate and biased exposure to - notice I didn't say experience with, that's coming later - the strange and frightening world of MMORPGaming. I've heard about the woefully senseless blunders made by the developers of that Mistakenly-Made One Really Popular Game that like 300,000 people play (I don't think I'm allowed to utter its real name here at the office), as well as the simple, moronic and sheep-like in-game behavior exhibited by many of the players of that same Mistakenly-Made One Really Popular Game. I've also had the pleasure of reading varying opinions and reports on the same subject in respect to all of the different games currently available.
In-game behavior is not what concerns me. Real world behavior, on the other hand, raises the eyebrows and makes the jaw drop in hysterical amazement and grief-stricken shock.
For example, a quick keyword search over at that homespun little buy-sell-trade web site, eBay, turns up hundreds of auctions over in-game characters and objects auctioning off at surprising deals. For example, a Level 60
Druid on the Karana server in the aforementioned Mistakenly-Made One Really Popular Game (heretofore referred to as MMORPG to save Miss Tweety some red editorial ink) is currently going at the Big Billy Bob's Bargain Basement price of $1,525. Yes, that was a comma in there.
A belt, also used in MMORPG, closed at a mere $1,380. If you hurry, you can go here to get a real steal on a character in MMORPG for only $900.
But that isn't the only massively-multiplayer game that produces such spend-happy twits. Fans of The Man's Asheron's Call are selling their binary bouillon for bids of over $850, and the bloodthirsty chaps engaged over at Ultima Online are pushing the $700 mark for various castles and characters.
One immediately observes a few things:
- Ultima Online is the trailer park of massively-multiplayer online roleplaying games at the moment. Not even $700? They must be saving up for some new cinder blocks or a case of Schlitt's.
- Massively-multiplayer online roleplaying games could triple their profits with some clever in-game product-placement.
- MMORPG players can be unbelievably stupid. In one of those auctions I mentioned, someone is about to fork over hundreds upon hundreds of real-world dollars over to an auctioneer with a NEGATIVE approval rating on eBay.
It must be an incredible sight to watch one of these rabid, clueless people debate with themselves the merits of blowing their entire Papa John's paycheck on a digital belt versus paying for their car insurance. The belt, hell, it doesn't even look good. Hundreds of dollars on an ugly belt! That's hardly American.
Equally amazing is the scene in which the 13-year old PKing brat begs his (or her) wealthy parents for that MMORPG $1500 Druid, and is successful on the condition that he leave his parents alone.
Yes, it seems these addictive games compel some rather self-destructive habits, in the real world that is. One wonders how many MMORPG players begin to exchange life for the altered reality of 0s and 1s.
Speaking of which, I am reminded of the relatively recent rumor of an MMORPG guide who was forced into early virtual retirement and subsequently committed non-virtual suicide. Now from everything I have read, this didn’t actually happen - this time. But, given that people are dumping $1500 bucks for a character to play with here and there, the disgusting possibility of someone taking their own flesh-and-blood life is quite plausible. And very scary. So scary I just peed myself.
There are some developing trends that are questionable as well. Take for example Project: Entropia. This is a game which is free to obtain and free to play, but in-game purchases and payouts are in real world money. Want that spiffy new gun? It'll cost ya twenty bucks. And ya better not lose it, either. Did you successfully frag those mutant bastards like you were assigned? Check's in the mail! It's about as easy to keep up with earnings and expenditures as with a credit card, which is something venture capitalists must love.
And in Project: Entropia's case, this should be illegal if you're underage. Skimming through the official web site for Project: Entropia, however (I didn't want to stay very long), I saw no legalese setting a minimum age requirement. This is somewhat moot because I doubt if this will ever make it to market with any success, but it's not the only one planning to actively incorporate easy, quick and important real-world spending.
Both of you Battlecruiser 3000 A.D. fans will be glad to know that Derek Smart is working on a persistent online universe called (great booming, echoing voice here) "Galactic Command Online." And in it, you can pay real-world money to invest in ships, cities, etc. The example used in this month's PCGamer magazine was spending $1000 to purchase a city, then you only have to wait a few days for it to be built. Finally! A game which directly allows social status in real life to carry over into the digital world and give certain people advantages over others! Expect this blockbuster to be out in the next 10-20 years.
But I'm quickly losing my pace here. The point I'm trying to make, no matter how dulled it may be, is that Wing Commander really wasn't a bad movie if you watched it with the volume all the way down, and that the overarching addictive nature of the MMORPG-style game warrants some attention to serious societal problems.
Clearly these people are too lost in real life, too bored, or perhaps so fearful of social rejection that they can only function in a world where people look like they want to and may kill that which annoys or hurts them with little significant consequence (no PK has ever been electrocuted, not even in Texas). Playing a game is one thing, exchanging a game or book for an alternate and fictional reality is not healthy.
These people need help. So I have a few suggestions:
- There should be a minimum hourly limit (per day) playing these games, mandated by the government. Normally I'm for small government, but if these people were not only allowed to live out these virtual lives all day long, but forced to do so via governmental coercion, they could escape the cold, hard and empty world they loathe and which loathes them. And the rest of us won't have to deal with them anymore.
- All their debts should be canceled, and any large outstanding sums owed to individuals, companies or the government may be reimbursed by taking money directly from the Canadian government, which America will shortly be annexing per my request. Any money they have to their name will be given to me - their online gaming subscription rates will be paid by the Canadians as well (thanks, Mr. Poppinfresh!) [If you expect me to pick up your freak-bills, you're in for one nasty suprise- ed].
- They will all be terminated from their jobs, and immediately after receive notification from the local court that they may not leave their home and any violation of that court order will result in being shot on-site. Snipers will be placed to carry this out.
- They will have cases of Jolt Cola and Slim Jim's delivered directly to them at their computer desks to maintain their standard diet and avoid system shock.
- Over time, the varying massively-multiplayer online roleplaying games will be morphed into one vast online experience. I will be given absolute control over this vast domain and force them to bake me digital bread and produce virtual tennis shoes for low digital wages.
- Anyone who escapes will be given to Mr. Subversive. He'll know what to do with them (wink, wink).
I know that as a confessed virgin in the massively-multiplayer online roleplaying game genre I would appear to have no say. I challenge you to find a better solution, you will see the wisdom in my objective approach to the problem. Something must be done to stop the MMORPG brain-sucking machine. Many who play it as more than a pleasurable pastime not only become increasingly antisocial but they experience a massive intellectual devolution, with IQs literally cutting in half to approximately 5. That is not good for society. Join me, brethren, in the fight to abolish or improve the MMORPG world. Our fellow man unknowingly relies upon us!
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