Mr. Coldforged's Humpday Lust Pit
posted at 11:28 AM on Wednesday, July 12th
Those of you who have read my Deus Ex review know what I've been doing the past few weeks. No, not that you ingrate! Damn, you folks have your minds firmly entrenched in the gutter, doncha? S'aright, I'm thinking of breasts currently myself. Anyhow, go on and soak up that review, we'll wait for you. Go on... there will be a pop quiz later.
Good. Don't you feel enlightened? Delightful. Interestingly enough, Deus Ex is the first of the lustpit contenders that I actually got to play. I must say that it fulfilled my yearnings like a good little pit-dweller should. Still, every once in a while I lift my ponderous noggin enough to glare around and see what's on the horizon away from my little J.C. Denton chewdoll. And upon what should my dusty orbs fall? A shiny new Star Trek game demo! Yeah, I know, "yet another friggin' Star Trek game... *yawn*." But this time, I promise, it'll be different.
Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force is snazzy-looking piece of cookie dough from Raven Software. Sure, it's based on the Star Trek Voyager universe so you have that moderately annoying Janeway to deal with (that's enough to play the Borg side right there). But get this happy crappy... it's based on the Quake III engine. Can't you taste the goodness? I thought you could.
In the game, you play either a male or female member of a sharply-attired squad of badasses with special training in combat, stealth, and emu flossing. Guess who the enemy is this time? No, not the tribbles. Nope, not that Gorn fellow either. The Borg, ya dildo! Somehow the Voyager gets warped out into deep space and it's up to you and your team (the Elite Force in Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force... neat how that works, ain't it?) to extricate the ship from some foul location. Somehow the Borg are involved, with that oh so very succulent 7 of 9 included (mmm... Quake III engine... curved surfaces... mmmm), the Klingons are involved, all your favorite races, creeds, colors, and religions get in there somehow. It's a non-Shatner smorgasbord!
Upon firing up the demo, you can do a little Holodeck training action to familiarize yourself with the controls and weapons. (As an aside, I'm still very much looking forward to the day when the Holodeck is feasible, so I can live out my most prurient fantasies with, oh, I don't know, maybe Denise Richards and a healthy quantity of leather goods.) Then it's off to smack some Borg rectum. Let's just say the environments look good. This is how a Borg ship looks, by God. Even the Borg models themselves look quite fine, though I suppose modeling a Borg is not the most difficult task in the world, with their distinct lack of emotion or, Scotty-forbid, facial movement.
Let's face it: there hasn't been a really high quality Star Trek franchise game since, umm... hmmm... well, I guess never. There have been some almost-rans here and there, but never a sure-fire, gotta-buy-it-or-my-gray-matter-will-combust hit. This one could be it. Beautiful graphics, a strong license, voice acting by the actual actors in the series. Yeah, this is another one that might make it into the purchase budget. Grab the demo, and wait until late August for your chance to be the "token security guy in the red uniform."
Okay, here's that pop quiz I warned you about. Ready? Okay. What is J.C. Denton's first name? Email me with your response, and, if you get it correct, I'll set you up with a lifetime supply of barium enemas. You'll be the life of the party!
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