Introduction
In the crazy land of Japan, circa 1997, where people wore hats on their feet and killed those who give them a disrespecful glance, the games industry was feeling the death of a thousand screams. With the rush of fifth-rate snowboarding games and the occasional Pachinko simulator (minus overworked Salarymen and second-hand smoke), the market was all but dead, with everyone banking on Final Fantasy VII to save their nation, as that Mothra bum wasn't pulling his weight. And lo, the beanie-capped savior Parappa the Rapper came to saved the nation with his rap, and the game world was never the same again.
Not to say that it got better, no. It became FAR, FAR WORSE. With every company currently racing to release their latest J-trash filled "rhythm and music" game, even some of the bigger companies who can no longer coast on breast recognition alone have thrown their hat into the crowded genre. Enter Tecmo's Unison.
Story
Set sometime 200 years into the future (the game can't help but pound the fact that it takes place two-hundred years from now into your thick, surly skull), the evil Emporer Ducker has outlawed dancing, and those who dance are "banished." Answering all of our prayers, Doctor Dance is fighting to change the world for our children and their crazy dance. Doctor Dance, Ph.D., brings three young girls to broadcast their dancing souls through the airwaves and into our hearts. This isn't Hemmingway, kids.
Gameplay
Like many other "rhythm games," Unison relies on timing button presses with the rhythm of the music. Except in Unison, they aren't button presses, you move the Dual Shock-sticks. And instead of pressing them to the rhythm, you're instead forming some sort of dance choreography with them. And instead of dance choreography, you end up forming a large deal of frustration.
Unlike better, popular games, Unison would rather you memorize the entire routine in advance, as opposed to simply telling you what to do. You go through some sort of dance move learning type session, and attempt to memorize the commands on the screen. While this doesn't sound impossible, it is. You are given little to no cue on what type of moves you should be doing, and you don't even really control the character's arms with the sticks. Instead of giving you the chance to have fun with the game, you instead can only move in the directions it wants you to, and the "choreography" tends to
keep on going, regardless of your performance. Sounds like fun? Well, it's not. It's all the intense fun of studying for exams, with less satisfaction gained and more and more hatred towards those bastard heathens at Tecmo gained. I want to gut that Doctor Dance like a fish, and so will you.
Aesthetics
For the most part, Unison does feature an interesting environment. It's all very stylish, looking like some sort of pop-future world out of... I can't lie to you. It looks like a city, except some of the houses are bubbles. Apparently, the only progress man has made in the past 200 years is bubble houses, and somehow cities are even smaller than before and surrounded by rich landscapes. I guess the future really will be amazing! I'd give up my dancing for a bubble house any day.
The character models are pretty well done, although nothing fantastic for the powerhouse that is the PS2. The most amazing thing the characters do is move their face a bit. And the dance choreography is simply too bizarre to even explain. When dancing to YMCA, your three jailbait wonders are dressed up in some bizarre American flag outfit, and it's simply frightening. Terrifying, even.
Sound
The most important aspect to any rhythm game is it's sound. And Unison fails miserably. Horribly even. While that's not to say that the music is terrible, it's just... well, blasé. You start out with "Y.M.C.A.", and then promptly go to, uh, Nelly's "Country Grammar." It's just about the most bizarre thing ever, seeing candy colored pre-teens dancing to a song about tokin' the ganja. Well, it's not quite bizarre as seeing it while smoking a j, but it's close. And it just gets worse from there.
You also get to enjoy "We Are Family," O.P.P.'s "Naughty by Nature," "That's the Way I Like It," "Barbie Girl," and more songs no one cares about anymore. May as well have thrown Boy George's "Karma Chameleon" or something by Tiffany in there to raise the suck-factor some more. While the Japanese soundtrack was different, that's not to say it's that much better. Unless you really like little screeching Japanese girls, but you probably do if you're contemplating purchasing the game. It's a rough world when you can't buy a game without "Night of Fire" on it.
Value
Nothin' goin', son. Eight-and-a-half minute levels. You'll be done with the game with the quickness, that's for damn sure.
Conclusion
While it's admirable that more companies are attempting to bring out rhythm games in the States, they're bringing out some really shitty ones. Unison is no exception.
Gameplay: 1.5/5
Do you like memorizing inane patterns? Do you like moving the analog sticks? A lot? Unison is for you.
Aesthetics: 3/5
Not that bad; nothing fantastic, though.
Sound: 2/5
"Country Grammar." "Barbie Girl." It gets worse.
Value: 1/5
It can be beaten in the time it takes to get to the store. Entertain yourself for minutes.
Conclusion: 1.5/5
Avoid it and wait until Tecmo releases more breasts.
