whY d0es it w0rkz3rz?!?!1!?1//

Why is it that people tend to speak in a difficult to discern way in the middle of games? The answer is simple: it bothers their opponent. Have you ever noticed that football players bad-mouth each other while on the touchline before the ball's in play? Do you really think that anyone really wants to screw William "The Refrigerator" Perry's mother? Of course not! Talking like that both gets the speaker more pumped to be aggressive and kills the opponent's concentration. The same applies in computer gaming.

Computer gaming is a 95% mental activity whether you're playing a First-Person Shooter, Racing, Real-Time Strategy, or Barbie Hair Designer game. No matter what, you need to come up with a gameplan and outsmart your opponent, right? Well, if the game is so heavily dependant on your mental status, wouldn't it be wise to try to ruin your opponent's mental status? Of course it would be, bitch, I said so! This is where d00d sp34k comes in.

Of the following two examples, tell me which one does a better job at grabbing your attention:

"Excuse me, sir, but I do believe that your mother is a rather large woman."
"stfu!!!1@! j0 m0th4 iS a fuCkiN f4t wh0re bi0Tch!!!121@!!"

The reason why you will obviously say the second one is because A) the language is stronger and more colorful and B) you have to concentrate more to translate the second sentence. If you spend more time concentrating or focusing on something, it is more likely to leave an impression than something you are skimming through (like this article, for instance). Why do orators speak slowly? It leaves a stronger impression. Why are news tickers so slow? It leaves a stronger impression. Why are pr0n stars well-endowed? It leaves a stronger impression. Your goal is to annoy and bother your opponent as much as possible, so leaving a strong impression is something you should be aiming for.

There's one other part of d00d sp34k that makes it so effective, and it has nothing to do with the way you pull it off--it has to do with the public's view of it. People generally despise d00d sp34k and write it off as something only immature 14-year olds use, which is totally untrue (those kids tend to write in power English when online to make themselves seem older, anyway). However, the fact remains that people look down upon d00d sp34kahs and think of them as idiots--conversely thinking, they consider themselves better than people who speak that way. Okay, hold on to that thought for half a second. Good. Keep reading.

If you lose a basketball match to Michael Jordan, would you be upset with yourself? Of course not, he's much better than you. Plus, you're a computer nerd, therefore you are unnaturally pathetic at all sports. Now imagine losing a basketball match to your eight year-old, asthmatic, blind cousin with one leg. That would piss you off, right? That's because you think you're better than that person. People expect to win at things when they consider themselves "better", and any time they have some kind of minor setback, they get very frustrated. Frustration is one of the leading causes of failing at something. The more times that eight year-old gets points, the harder you're going to play just to save face. I mean, you couldn't possibly lose to him, could you?

Now, if some immature little kid starts badmouthing you in a computer game, you're going to get annoyed and try extra hard to beat him. It's also going to frustrate you that you have to "put up" with a person like that. You're bound to make more mistakes as you try harder, and the harder you try, the more frustrated you are going to get, thus making you try even harder than before and restarting the whole cycle. It's brilliant. It works. ph34r iT.

y0uR a d00d, l3t th3m kn0w iT!!12!2!2!!

Okay, you know HOW to talk like a d00d and WHY it works, but wouldn't you like to know WHEN to use it? Well, pretend you would.

Just like anything else, the key is getting the proper balance so that you successfully pull off the d00dishn3ss without going overboard. Some people will disagree with me here and say that you couldn't possibly overuse d00d sp34k. Those people are called wrong. There's a very fine line, and if you end up spending too much time yapping away, your game will suffer. Don't be fooled, grasshopper.

There are two crucial times that you will want to whip out the d00d sp34k and verbally ram your opponent:

The start of each match - This will immediately cause your opponent to think of you as an inbred schmuck with a name tag calling you special. That's a good thing.Every time your opponent suffers a loss - Your opponent will already be frustrated at this point, thus maximizing the mental abuse.

By consistently hitting those events each and every time, your opponent will grow weaker and weaker until he's so broken down that he kneels down to you and begs for your eternal forgiveness and mercy for everything that he's done. Either that or he'll screw up more often.

Of course, there are always the times that you will want to hold back on the d00d sp34k because it will either be ineffective or have reverse effects:

Any time your opponent gains a victory - This will have no effect because it will give him the opportunity to just turn it back on you (plus he's already feeling confident).Before you're about to strike - You might as well give them your location, attack plan, and underwear size.During lulls in the match - He may think you're about to attack and become more alert or defensive.After the match - Keep things in-game so that you're being a good sport. I was forced by law to say that.

Timing is everything, so follow these guidelines closely to squeeze the full potential out of your d00d sp34k.

1 - Introduction

2 - Kenickie's Leetness Guide

3 - Why it works

4 - Don't be a victim!