I have a PhD in horribleness

Do I score nerd points with the reference? Because seriously, you need a fucking PhD to assemble a gaming desktop now.

The whole reason I wound up starting to write again was because I just have this need, this amazing desire to go off on a tangent when something makes exactly zero explicable sense. There were plenty of reasons that I had an intense desire to build a new gaming desktop. They kind of fell in the following order:

  1. Buy Skyrim
  2. Old computer can’t cut it
  3. Frankenstein’s Monster Machine doesn’t make it either, and oh by the way I fried the motherboard because HP makes proprietary shit
  4. Fuck this, I’m building a new machine

Now before I get into the insanity of what went on, I know it’s about 50 times easier to build a machine than it used to be. Way the hell cheaper, too, but seriously, when you’re used to the old way, you start wondering what the crap you’ve missed in six-to-ten-years of scavenging from the garbage pile at work.

Cases. There are about six quintillion options available. I chose the cheapest decent looking thing I could find. Yes it has a glowing blue fan. Whatever. I took shit from people I know for not spending $100 or more on my case. You know what? Eat a dick. I could staple the hardware to my desk for all I care.

Motherboards. Another six quintillion options. Chipsets out the ass, upgradable, not upgradable, P68’s, Q69’s, R42’s or whatever. Somebody told me to go Z77, so I asked the Gods of Newegg and Microcenter to rate me a motherboard with those things on it and they were kind enough to will me something that mated well with my glowing blue case.

Processors? Oh, for fuck’s sake, is this argument still going on? AMD vs Intel is still a total crapshoot joke but the ubernerds told me to get the i5 2500K because it’s rated to 2500 Kelvin. Or 2.5 GHz, or…something. Poison Ivy Bridge. Sandy Bridge. I know we’re not playing the megahertz game anymore, but this is really fuzzy, because I have an i5 on my laptop, and  that’s a dual core, hyperthreaded processor, but for some reason the i5 on my desktop is a quad core, non-hyperthreaded processor? I don’t know. All I know is I went into the weird ass BIOS on that new motherboard, clicked a button that said “overclock to 4GHz” and it did. And my house hasn’t blown down yet either, so that’s good.

Oh, and then there’s the same slapfight with video cards. Tom’s Hardware or something said ‘BANG FOR THE BUCK IS THE RADEON 6870’ and more than one person’s response was ‘lol amd crap i only buy nvidia ur fucked’. Clearly I need to weed out these people from my circle of nerd-discussion, but seriously, there didn’t seem to be a difference between it and the Geforce 560. You know what it did do, though? It was the size of my lower leg and needed two additional power plugs. So that brought me right back around to the power supply.

What the hell do I need a one kilowatt power supply for? This isn’t some ENIAC shit where I’m dimming the lights all the way to Pittsburgh1. I’m something of a power bill sensitive kind of guy, so I’d like to keep it the hell down, but now I’ve got about sixty options here. They were narrowed down because that video card is the electronic Beast that Ate Tokyo. I think I settled for a 600W PSU, non-modular, because that’s stupid expensive to make things pretty.

This went longer than expected. In the end it took me…I dunno, around three months to plan and research and execute, and I have a new machine that pushes the megagigaultrabytes, but just…man. I’ll detail the actual assembly process later, because that freaked me right the fuck out.

1. Yeah, I get it, I know, it’s not true. STFU.

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